To those who are concerned...

I know I don't divulge much about what bothers me it's just hard cause i don't want to sound like a bitch when i tell you about it. and it has something with my trust issue.

But i promise to TRY in the future to answer your questions honestly and as fully as i can.

I need to let go of the past
and look to the future.

i feel angry for reasons i don't even know.
i feel confused about everything going on around me.
i'm starting not to care about myself.
i'm tired all the time.
i find myself lost.
i just want to cry.
i just want to punch things again.


i feel i've lost control of my life.

This is who we are - Cartel

Patience, child it will find you
Your deepest dreams will guide you
The moment that you're born
Oh my, the fear inside will come through
Honey, right behind you
Don't let it get that far

Somehow, breathe a little deeper now
'Cause this is who we are
When we look into their eyes
Don't fly so high
So high, little bird
You'll get your wings clipped
Pick it up, pick it up now you learn

Searching
The moment that defines you
Your deepest dreams remind you
Get out before you're gone
Now that all you hear is what surrounds you
Push it up, get it up from around you
Never stop and you will find it all

Somehow, breathe a little deeper now
'Cause this is who we are
When we look into their eyes
Don't fly so high
So high, little bird
You'll get your wings clipped
Pick it up, pick it up now you learn


So we decided
We decided
We decide this now
To find out how we can
We survive
We can survive
If we learn how to live our lives
If we learn how to live...

Somehow

Breathe a little deeper now
'Cause this is who we are
When we look into their eyes
Don't fly so high
So high, little bird
You'll get your wings clipped
Pick it up, pick it up now you learn
Hey (heeeyeyeah)

"It's been said that the saddest thing a man will ever face is "what might've been". But what if a man is faced with what was, or what may never be, or what could no longer be? Choosing the right path is never easy, it's a decision we make with only our hearts to guide us. But sometimes we find a way to make something better...sometimes we fight through the regret and remorse of our mistakes, our malice and our jealousy and the shame we feel for not being the people we were meant to be..and that's when we find our way to something better..or when something better finds its way to us."

resolutions for new quarter

• Actually study this quarter
• Helm's Deep at least 3 times a week
• Skateboard at much as possible!

-Haha at least 1 of the three will be done ;)

Moms

My mom is the best.
She is there to help you when you're down.
She is there to listen to whatever you have to say.
She love me unconditionally.
She makes the best food.
She is there just cuddle with you when you're lonely.
She gives me free kisses and hugs without even asking.
She doesn't rip my ears off when I do something like pierce my ears without her consent.
She gives you money just because.
She calls me just to talk because she misses hearing my voice everyday.

I love my mom <3. :D

Truth?

What is the truth?

Simple question right? You would think so...I thought so. Deceived. Naive. Trying to brush things off like they didn't matter didn't make a difference, the truth still comes back and bites you in ass. I don't know what really happened. I don't know really know how all this came about. But I do have a vague idea of how things are going to end. I'm sorry to all those who has been hurt, confused, flustered, angered, saddened, and whatever which way felt throughout this whole process. I appreciate the effort all you have done for whatever reasons you had. I appreciate and love what you have done for your friend and for me as well. Thank you all and I love you all. Now all that's left is to do is what only needed to be done in the beginning, what should have been done in the first place.

We need to talk...

Blind

I'm losing sight at why I'm here? What's stopping me from just getting up and leaving? :\

Alone

once again...

Persistant Pondering

Thinking hurts too much (ouch! ]:)

Wallflower

Always there never really noticed. Sitting in class in years past no teachers really remember him: his face, his voice, his presence in the room. One of the brightest in his class, yet still forgotten. Many might recognize, but most just ignore. Only when he speaks up he is present to the eyes of everyone. Unfortunately he doesn't have the courage to speak up. Doesn't have the initiative to liven up a room. Doesn't have the will to be seen, heard, or touched. Always distant always afraid. Contemplative. Wanting acceptance in a world full of judgment and ridicule. Will someone release this boy from his prison of silence? Will someone secure his insecurities and silence his inner turmoil?

hmph....maybe someday

Failure

Failure thy name is Anthony

Differences

Why is it that sometimes i can be strange, outgoing, and sometimes downright funny and most of the time i can't? I think I am too conscious on what people think of me. I totally need to forget what people think of me and just be myself. But how does one be themselves? How can I be myself if i don't really know what myself is? Who am i really? A question I pose to myself many a times just walking alone or those times of solitude i have. I guess that questions bothers me too much for me to ever really ponder about it, so I just drown it out with music. Maybe I'm music. I know that is vague and arbitrary, but I don't know what to say. Who am I? Really? Like seriously? Does anyone know? I'm lost.

Man up

Need to change

Rose

Staring at this rose,
wilting in its coffin,
confined by man and nature.
Stuck in place no where to go no where to hide.
Transparent.
A vial of water to keep it alive,
but is it enough?
Maybe.

Apathetic

Feeling lost...

I hate...

when you drink
when you pressure me to do things i don't want to do
when you make decisions for me
when you act like a complete jerk
when you want it your way and no others
when you curse and yell
when you make a complete ass of yourself
when you expect me to be like you
when they expect me to be like you
when they think I am you
when condescend to me
when you always point out my fault
when you think I can't do anything right
sometimes when I used to look up to you
that I aspired to be like you

most of all when I'm mad at you and you don't even know it.

Time for a Change

What am I really doing here?
Failing grades,
ditching classes.
Do I deserve to be in this position.
Yes.
What am I really doing here?

College is suppose to be some of the best years of my life. To have fun, to make friends, and all that jazz. But the main reason is to get the education my parents are paying for and the education I have aspired to have ever since watching my brother go off to college. I never thought I'd be this distracted from my actual goal here at UCI. I thought I could have a life and study. But it seems that I'm living a little too much. I am in desperate need of buckling down and start hitting the books. No more playing around (well maybe occasionally) but now my education comes first. I know friends, girlfriend, and other miscellaneous activities are much more desirable at the moment and will probably always be, but if I want to make something of my life then it is time for a change. Priorities need straightening and a mind needs to focus.

Here I go...